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| Monday, July 6, 2026 |
Issue #7
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by meme.app
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It's Monday. America celebrated its 250th birthday by watching a man eat 66 hot dogs in nine-second intervals. Canada got eliminated from the World Cup on the Fourth of July. And the US plays Belgium tonight for a quarterfinal spot. Let's get into it.
— Stew
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America's Most Dominant Athlete Defends His Title
On the country's 250th birthday, in 92-degree Coney Island heat, Joey Chestnut ate 66 hot dogs and buns in ten minutes to win his 18th Mustard Belt. That's one hot dog roughly every nine seconds, in weather where most people struggle to finish one. Second place finished 15 dogs behind.
Raise your hand if you were today years old when you found out women also partake in this sacred American tube-meat ritual. Miki Sudo won the women's title with 38 and three quarters, nearly doubling second place. It was her 12th. There has been an entire Chestnut-level dynasty happening one table over this whole time, and I'm just now finding out.
Cool stat: Chestnut has lost this contest exactly once since 2007. At some point we need to have the uncomfortable conversation: the American Mount Rushmore is Jordan, Brady, Tiger, and Chestnut. Sorry, Phelps. The numbers are the numbers.
So what: The World Cup is on American soil and the US might lose it. The Olympics come and go. But this remains the one arena where American supremacy is not up for debate, and on the nation's 250th birthday, its most reliable athlete showed up in triple-digit humidity and handled business. Two hundred fifty years of history and we've decided this is the tradition. Honestly, correct.
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The USMNT plays Belgium tonight for a quarterfinal spot. You may remember Belgium from the last issue: 23 shots against Iran, zero goals, the most Belgium result imaginable. Now they're our problem. The US beat Bosnia 2-0 on Wednesday for its first knockout win in 24 years. Belgium also ended the last great American run in 2014. The universe is offering a do-over. [Yahoo] |
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And the US gets its best scorer back, through a story that is extremely FIFA. Folarin Balogun was sent off in the Bosnia game for stepping on an ankle, a call Pochettino said was never a red card, and World Cup rules allow no appeal. None. Then the White House reportedly called Gianni Infantino, Trump publicly thanked FIFA for “reversing a great injustice,” and on Sunday FIFA's disciplinary committee “suspended” the unappealable ban. Balogun plays today, on one year of probation, like a parolee. FIFA insists the decision was fully independent. For those of you unfamiliar with FIFA: take every time you've suspected the NFL or NBA of being corrupt, multiply it by a thousand, and you've arrived at FIFA. But hey, I'll take it. USA. USA. 🦅 [CBS] [The Hill] |
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Meanwhile, Mauricio Pochettino has gone completely American. The USMNT's Argentine coach reportedly plays Lainey Wilson in his office, got emotional when “Country Roads” blasted through the stadium after the Australia win, and per his own midfielder, his message to the squad is “we're American, we don't take s•••.” A man from Argentina discovered country music and patriotic stubbornness in nine months. The assimilation is complete and it's beautiful. [Yahoo] |
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Canada got eliminated from the World Cup on the Fourth of July. On American soil. In Texas. Morocco won 3-0 in Houston behind an Azzedine Ounahi brace, making Canada the first of the three co-hosts to go home. Team Canada released a statement that included the phrase “the hurt is real.” A co-host, knocked out on America's birthday, in the state with the most fireworks per capita. Sometimes the schedule writes the joke for you. [ESPN] |
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Paraguay exited the World Cup the way they played it: kicking everything within reach except the ball. France won 1-0 on a Mbappé penalty, but the story was Paraguay spending 90 minutes auditioning for a hockey enforcer role: striking Jules Koundé off the ball, hacking anything in a blue shirt, and somehow collecting almost no cards from a referee who apparently left his whistle in the locker room. Fitting end for a team that reached this round by beating Germany on penalties off a controversial call. The Mbappé goal was his 19th at a World Cup, one behind Messi's 20. That race is going to be fun. [ESPN] |
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Norway sent Brazil home, and Erling Haaland is never leaving. Haaland scored twice to beat Brazil 2-1 at MetLife last night, giving him seven goals this tournament, tied with Messi and Mbappé for the Golden Boot lead. Norway is still, somehow, unbeaten against Brazil all time. The big man has spent a month treating America like a Viking on spring break, and America clearly agrees with him. Later, England outlasted Mexico 3-2, hanging on with ten men for the final 40 minutes after Jude Bellingham scored twice in 98 seconds. Norway gets England in the quarters. And note the scoreboard on the hosts: Canada out Saturday, Mexico out last night. One host nation remains. They play tonight. [NBC] [Yahoo] |
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Brandon Aiyuk is having a normal offseason. The 49ers receiver posted an unhinged Instagram video going after Jayden Daniels, his college teammate and the quarterback of the team he has spent months lobbying to join. The trigger: a video of a 49ers fan heckling Daniels at a World Cup match, which Daniels laughed off. Aiyuk unfollowed him. Daniels responded with a picture of Kevin Durant giving a thumbs down. The Commanders were reportedly Aiyuk's preferred destination, and their QB1 now communicates with him exclusively in memes. Trade value is a fragile thing. [PFR] |
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Yes, Giannis is a Heat. You've had a week to process it, so just the receipts: Milwaukee got Tyler Herro, Kel'el Ware, Jaime Jaquez Jr., Kasparas Jakucionis, three firsts, a swap, and a second. Boston's Jaylen Brown package finished runner-up. Two issues ago I told you “unrealistic asking price” meant he wasn't getting traded. Correction noted. Miami just needed to be reckless enough to pay it. One loose end: Giannis's brother Thanasis has also agreed to a five-year, $50 million deal with the Heat. Unfortunately for him, the Heat have not agreed. [ESPN] |
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MLB All-Star rosters dropped Saturday night. Ohtani led all National League vote-getters, because of course he did. The mild surprise: Toronto's Ernie Clement topped the entire American League, out-polling Aaron Judge. The game lands July 14 at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, the city where the whole 250-years thing started, so expect the broadcast to mention that roughly every half inning. [MLB] |
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Told you. The numbers are the numbers.
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The other 5% are lying
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Programming note: the US kicks off against Belgium tonight. If they win, next Monday's issue will be insufferable. If they lose, it will somehow be worse. Either way, see you next Monday.
— Stew
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