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| Wednesday, August 26, 2026 |
Issue #14
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by meme.app
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It's Wednesday. The transfer portal now goes both ways, two robots outran Usain Bolt, and Angel Reese broke a record so specific I built a game about it. Let's get into it.
— Stew
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The Portal Now Goes Both Ways
On Tuesday, the Big Ten and the SEC both passed emergency rules to stop NFL players from returning to college football, which tells you exactly what started happening last week: NFL players returning to college football. A Louisiana judge opened the door, and tight end Dae'Quan Wright walked through it, becoming the first active NFL player ever to enter the transfer portal. The Browns waived him, he cleared waivers Tuesday, and he's headed to LSU.
His new coach, Lane Kiffin, went on McAfee's show and said “I don't think professionals should come back to college sports,” a fascinating position for a man currently recruiting two of them. College football starts Saturday. NFL teams cut to 53 the next day, which floods the market with exactly the players these new rules just banned. The conferences saw that calendar and panicked.
Cool stat: There are 18 player-eligibility lawsuits running in 15 states, and players have won 11 of them. The NCAA rulebook is currently below .500.
So what: Nobody in football understands what's happening. Browns coach Todd Monken: “I wondered why Lane Kiffin reached out to me a week ago; now I know. I didn't call him back. I guess I should have.” Kiffin: “Maybe someone else called him and said they were me.” Rams coach Sean McVay: “I feel like I took a freaking gummy. I don't even understand it.” The season starts Saturday and the sport does not know who's eligible for it.
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The Cowboys and Saints got fined a million dollars for fighting at practice. Five hundred grand each, for a brawl at a joint practice, in August, against nobody. One Dallas player has now been ejected from two of them. Their head coach's assessment: “Right now, I'm in charge of fight club.” That's a million dollars in punches thrown before a single one counted. [AP] |
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A billionaire NFL owner got arrested over $140. Jed York, who owns the 49ers, answered an undercover ad in Ohio and agreed to pay $140. He was arrested in a trailer park, which the police chief clarified was not the destination, just where he pulled over. He pleaded no contest and was sentenced to an online prostitution prevention course. His lawyer asked the judge to seal the record because York is “satisfactorily rehabilitated.” It had been about four hours. [AP] |
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Golf's biggest YouTube brand made an ad where a man shoves a woman to the ground. In it, Good Good co-founder Garrett Clark knocks golfer Alexis Miestowski down and screams “Do not touch my new driver.” That was the whole joke. It was deleted within a day, and Callaway's CEO then had to admit his company read that script, watched that video, and approved it. The PGA Tour is giving Good Good its own tournament in November and now describes that plan as “fluid.” [ESPN] |
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A robot ran the 100 meters in 9.39 seconds. Then it was carried off on a stretcher. Usain Bolt's record is 9.58. Last year the best robot ran 21.50, so they cut that in half in twelve months. The catch: they cannot stop. They cross the line and hit a wall of crash pads, and the two that beat Bolt both went down. One of them left the track on a stretcher, which is a sentence I did not expect to write about a machine. Later, in the dexterity event, those same robots were asked to pick up beans with tweezers and could not do it. So we have roughly ten years before the Timberwolves start C3FO, E-28, B0LT-9, Torque, and DeAndre.exe, and about forty before any of them can open a jar. [CBS] |
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Speaking of superhuman athletes: Victor Wembanyama grew two inches, according to a music meme account. The 7-foot-7 claim ripped through the internet with no actual measurement behind it, mutating to 7-foot-6 as it spread. The verified part is scarier: 25 points, 11.5 rebounds, and 3.1 blocks a game last season, plus the first unanimous Defensive Player of the Year in NBA history, at 22. He may not have grown. He didn't need to. [Yardbarker] |
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Angel Reese broke two rebounding records in one night, so I built a game. Monday against the Sparks: 26 rebounds, breaking the WNBA single-game record and the season record simultaneously. She scored 11 points. Twenty-six rebounds, eleven points, and a healthy share of them were boards off her own misses, which the internet long ago named mebounds. So I built a game about it: MEBOUNDS, over at 16bucks.com. Miss, chase, recover, repeat. Post your score in the group chat.
[ESPN] |
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The rebrand was immediate
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College football starts Saturday, assuming anyone can figure out who's allowed to play in it. See you soon.
— Stew
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